• Do you believe that all you have to do is bring balance and harmony into your life and then everything will be fine?
• Have you attended dozens of seminars, online courses or counselling sessions, read self-help books, or racked your brains to find out what you can optimize so that everything finally runs smoothly?
• Do you congratulate yourself on realizing that you are responsible for your life and that the key to change lies within you?
• In other words, you want a peaceful, fulfilled, happy life, and if the status quo looks like the opposite to you right now, then there must be something inside you that you need to identify and change so that your life looks more peaceful and happy?

Then this article is for you. There is a phenomenon that I come across again and again - with myself, with clients or in my environment. And that is this eternal search for this mysterious key that will finally help us improve ourselves or our lives. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to improve or optimize something, perhaps get rid of a bad habit, communicate better with your partner or eat healthier. A spiritual path in particular invites you to get to know yourself and to question your own habits and behaviors. But what if the whole thing mutates into a dogged search for faults and shortcomings that need to be "eradicated" - in yourself and in others? I call this the "optimization trap".

The optimization trap in spirituality

In the area of spirituality, the optimization trap may look like this, for example:

• I try to think positively always and everywhere - and burn out inside because I ignore how I really feel
• If a consultation, a book or a social media post has given me an aha moment, e.g. if I have recognized a possible cause for a personal problem, my ego starts to dig deeper and try to identify the cause behind the cause, along the lines of: "It can't be that simple!" For example, if I have recognized that a person close to me, with whom I have recurring conflicts, shows signs of narcissistic behavior, the ego comes in and asks: "Yes, but why is he like that?" "Why did I let this person into my life?" "What's wrong with me that I let people like this into my life?" "What's wrong with me that I can't maintain my ground with this person?" "Maybe I'm the problem?" etc. etc. The ego's favorite question after a new insight, regardless of whether it's about narcissism or not, is usually: "Yes, but why?" Incidentally, this is a great tactic to keep yourself in an endless loop of "trying to understand" so that you don't have to change anything or act (I call this the ego's smokescreen tactic).
• "I have to shield myself from all this negativity out there." - in the end, there might not be much left that I can let into my life
• I beat myself or others up for not being able to react as lovingly, compassionately or "spiritually mature" as I would have liked and thus become the definitive opposite of compassionate or mature, as I am heaping hardness upon hardness, i.e. trying to fight like with like.
• I apply the label "toxic" to everyone who doesn't suit me, so I no longer have to deal with it and feel better - but it may prevent me from actually growing from dealing with a difficult situation

This is not to say that we don't have to set boundaries sometimes or that there isn't a lot of toxicity and negativity out there, nor is it to say that we have to put up with everything - along the lines of "just turn the other cheek"! But only wanting purity and perfection in ourselves, in our lives and in the people around us - that certainly has nothing to do with a spiritual path.

How an ideal can turn into a trap

I recently read about the story of Carl Rogers and his borderline patient, which is actually a great example of the optimization trap: Carl Rogers was one of the great psychologists who had a decisive influence on modern psychotherapy - today he is best known for his concept of "unconditional positive regard", with which he wanted to treat all his patients. For most people, this sounds like a great thing to strive for, and I have always been a big fan of this concept - being unconditionally accepted and appreciated by someone is something that most of us rarely experience.

But it is probably in the nature of things, when we run off with an ideal, that inevitably at some point a mirror will be held up to us that will challenge that ideal, almost like a kind of cosmic test, asking us: "Well, how serious are you really about your ideal?" Carl Rogers had a patient who drove him to the brink of a nervous breakdown. She demanded precisely this unconditional appreciation and even became hostile if he showed her anything less than full acceptance and appreciation. Among other things, she also was of the opinion that 2-3 sessions a week were not enough, so that she regularly sat on the doorstep of his private home in the morning. Eventually, Rogers had to get out of town with his wife for a few months to stay sane.

Of course, this does not call his concept into question fundamentally - just as it is not wrong to want to improve something or achieve an ideal. Thanks to Rogers, empathy and acceptance are important cornerstones of humanistic psychotherapies today. But where is the unconditional positive regard for oneself in this case?

Trust is good...control is better?

The optimization trap is the trap we fall into when we think we have to or even can control everything. We may have already discovered that we can't control so much on the outside - the opinions or behavior of other people or whether or not our child will hurt their knee on the playground today. But then we can fall into the next trap - trying to control and 'clean up' our inner self.

The trick is that sooner or later we may usually realize: We - i.e. our ego, our mind - are NOT in control of inner change and growth. Most people don't really like to hear that. We live in an era of self-optimization, you can find coaches, consultants and self-help gurus everywhere - and sometimes even spiritual teachers - who tell you what you need to change inside to achieve bliss and finally be happy.

Am I running away from myself or towards my potential?

The problem is often that at the root of it all is this very deep belief that we are not enough as we are, that we just need to change xyz so that everything is finally perfect. Or we rack our brains as to what exactly we need to change so that everything is finally perfect.

And once again - there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve something or yourself. Now comes the big BUT: what is the intention behind it, what is behind this desire? Is it driven by fear, driven by the worry of not being enough? And driven by the worry about what not being enough would mean? For example, that we will be rejected by our fellow human beings, excluded from groups, no longer belong if we don't measure up? So there is an underlying fear that fuels the desire for optimization.

Or is it perhaps characterized by the desire to reach one's own potential, perhaps to be able to achieve more as a result? In psychology, this difference in motivation is called the "regulatory focus", the focus from which we think, feel and act: with the prevention focus we want to prevent something bad, it is more fear-driven, with the promotion focus we want to achieve something better. We can do the same thing, but from a different regulatory focus or motivation. And that can make a huge difference.

Of course, this is also only an intermediate step, because in the state of enlightenment, as the gurus have been telling us for centuries, we don't actually want or need to achieve anything. But we're talking about ourselves and "Otto and Erika" from next door, not Sri Ramana Maharshi, Amanda Mayi Ma or the Dalai Lama. Perhaps the promotional focus is enough for us for now: we don't have to beat ourselves up internally for our perceived shortcomings and simply abuse spirituality as a new optimization trap, but we can lovingly embrace the normal chaos of being human - and therefore ourselves - and still want change.

This is just as true on the outside as it is on the inside: Even on the outside, everything will never be as perfect as we would like it to be, the apartment won't be as tidy, the to-do list won't be completed, we won't spend as much quality time with our girlfriend or children as we would like. Spirituality is not about optimization. It's about remembering everything that we already are, about taking the pressure off instead of building it up.

The paradox of letting go

And paradoxically, it is often at precisely these moments that all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place: when we let go, relinquish control, or actually feel something like unconditional positive regard for someone, a miracle happens for a few minutes: everything just feels perfect. And we rub our eyes for a moment, look around in amazement like little children who have just woken up from a nightmare and wonder what just happened. And the moment we start to ask ourselves how we can hold on to the moment, how we can control it, the chaos returns.

So how do we get out of the optimization trap and - welcome, dear paradox! - can perhaps still bring about the changes we would like to see and really improve our lives and the lives of others? It doesn't work with ego control, we have to give it up. But to whom? We put our ego in the passenger seat and let our expanded consciousness, our deeper wisdom - you can also call it your Soul - take over the helm. Any form of consciousness work or consciousness-altering ritual is suitable here, regardless of whether it is Trance Journeys, Constellation work or another spiritual practice. This is your own personal path, the adventurous journey that you can embark on. Thank goodness - we can do something after all.