Decisions are practically our day-to-day business, because we make hundreds of them every day: it starts as soon as the alarm clock rings in the morning: do I press the "snooze" button or jump straight out of bed? Breakfast or no breakfast? Do I need a jacket or not? Do I take the bike or the bus? Maybe simultaneously there are even more questions haunting my mind...should I do the training or not? Can I afford the investment or not? Should I get in touch with my friend with whom I had a fight or not? Rarely do we realize that it is these decisions that steer our lives in the direction we want, or away from it. And at the same time, you can never NOT decide, because NOT making a decision is also a decision. And today I would like to write about why and, above all, WHEN precisely this - NOT making a decision - can sometimes be the right path to take - because very often it is these decisions that can bring important changes into our lives - or not.
1. You're upset and/or stressed
From a state of stress - as a psychologist one would say from a state of "hyperarousal", i.e. over-excitement - it is, of course, not possible to make good decisions. In this state, we are in survival mode. This usually means that your brain and body are busy deciding whether you should attack (fight), run (flight) or stop doing anything altogether (freeze). Some say that in our current social system, the survival mode "fawn" is also added to the mix. With this survival strategy, we go into "people-pleasing" mode, making ourselves small in order to avoid a potentially threatening negative reaction from the other person. It's obvious that we don't necessarily make the best decisions based on these four survival strategies. In fact, it is possible that your nervous system is chronically overreactive, e.g. due to trauma or stress. And that's not so rare, because most of us don't live as hermits in the forest or otherwise in harmony with the natural rhythms, and pay very little attention to the basics that regulate the nervous system, such as breathing. This can therefore massively impair your ability to make good decisions for yourself and your path in the long term. Of course, the first thing you would need to do to address this is to (re)create a sense of security and train your ability to regulate your nervous system, e.g. by working with a nervous system coach, somatic work or trauma therapy. But even when you "only" experience short-term stress or are temporarily emotionally upset, there is a risk that your judgment is impaired and that your focus shifts away from your "center" - so that you end up making extreme decisions that you never would have made otherwise. For example, you might 'chuck it all in' and quit a job or leave a project, hurt your partner with words or even physically, or simply say things that you wouldn't otherwise say. So if you are in such a state - do not make these big decisions with serious consequences until you have regulated yourself back into your personal "norm range", your green zone.
2. You have "got stuck" mentally
Maybe you've been thinking about the decision and all the available information for too long, or you generally tend to approach things "with your head" - that's not fundamentally wrong, but it's one-sided. And it can lead to you getting stuck in dead ends because you keep thinking the same thoughts over and over again - and still can't let go. The answer to this is very simple: let go. But it's often not that easy to put into practice. And this letting go requires something very important: the ability to trust that the answer will come. And the ability to deal with the feeling of not knowing the answer just yet. Or dealing with the feeling that we can't know everything we need to know to make a perfect decision - which in turn requires us to develop a kind of basic trust and learn to endure the feeling of uncertainty, the feeling of not being able to know everything beforehand. We often don't like this feeling. After all, we learn from an early age that it's better if we know things and if we know the answers to questions we are asked. And at some point in our lives, each and every one of us has at least once regretted a decision because it turned out afterwards that another one might have been better. So the "mental clinging" can also be the result of you being one of those people who are far too aware that the direction of your life depends on every decision you make. And that thwarts you in your progress as you'll get into the famous "paralysis-by-analysis" state, i.e. a state in which you are paralyzed by all the analyzing. And can't make any decisions at all. The answer could be to simply make a decision in order to get out of the paralysis. Ultimately, however, the state of paralysis, the "not being able to make a decision", the circling of thoughts, the fear of uncertainty or the fear of making the "wrong" decision, and the lack of basic trust all share the same cause: they are all a symptom of the fact that you are no longer connected to yourself, that you have lost contact with yourself. Sometimes this only happens for a short time or temporarily, perhaps because you have been under a lot of stress, have demanded too much of yourself, are overwhelmed or because you have simply not had enough sleep the previous night. Or maybe it's a chronic, long-term condition, e.g. because you've completely lost sight of yourself and your needs in a toxic relationship, perhaps with a narcissist. Or maybe it is a demanding job that is extremely challenging and prevents you from paying attention to your needs. Perhaps it's a shift work job, a job with night shifts, or a job that requires you to travel a lot, perhaps even internationally - air travel with jet lag included. These things can also "train" you out of your own center and your own needs in the long term. And then the ego tries to exert even more control to replace something that could actually arise naturally from a good connection with the self: namely this clear impulse as to what the right decision would be. And of course, the answer to this can only be to NOT take any big decision for the time being, if possible, but to first find ways to reconnect with yourself, to learn to feel yourself and your own needs again. (You can find a few simple methods for reconnecting with yourself, e.g. here However, in less chronic cases it may often simply mean going for a walk outside in nature on your own and without distraction, i.e. without music or your favorite podcast on your ears, or simply prioritizing sleep for a while to get yourself back on track. Ideally, however, in less chronic cases, you should find something that helps you to let go of your thoughts - for example, a more complex sport or other physical activity that leaves little capacity for thinking because it requires focus (e.g. a dance sport such as ballet with more complex step sequences or equestrian sports where you have to concentrate on communicating with another living being). Something like this also has the positive side effect that you connect more with your own body: your body has its own intelligence, which can become clear if you listen more: for example, does your stomach ache or the lump in your throat show you what you think of a situation, a person or a decision? The body doesn't lie and is far less susceptible to the mental distortions that often cloud our intuition.
3. You are calm and collected, but you still don't get a clear answer.
No. 3 is tricky. Here, it is important to distinguish whether you are not getting a clear answer because you are only fooling yourself into thinking that you have no clarity or that you are in your center, or because the answer really isn't there yet The latter may sometimes be completely legitimate. Some people would use the term "divine timing!" to describe such a situation, based on their conviction that we actually have half as much control (if any!) over our lives as our ego would like to have, and that there is something much greater guiding our lives, perhaps our soul or an intelligence that is behind everything and working towards a positive goal. And that although we can decide how we react to the things that happen in our lives, we cannot determine "what" happens or "when" something happens, i.e. the divine timing. And that sometimes the time is simply not ripe for a decision that we perhaps wanted to force too soon.Most of us have certainly had the experience that a problem simply dissolved on its own while a decision was made for us. So you don't necessarily have to believe in "divine timing" or a divine intelligence that guides everything in order to know that it can sometimes be the right decision NOT to make a decision, because the decision may be taken for you while you are waiting for things to simply work out (which paradoxically IS a decision in itself. That brings us back to the point that we can't actually NOT make a decision 😉, but that's just a side note). So it can simply be that the time is not ripe for a decision. And if you are really in your center and you are absolutely sure that the situations I described under 1. and 2. above do not apply to you, then there is a good chance that you are well able to identify your situation as one that requires you to wait and to "endure" this state quite well. However, there are also some more ambiguous situations. Another possibility as to why you may not yet have an inner impulse, an inner "no" or "yes" to a decision, is that something is blocking you. It could be that what is blocking you is the fear of the consequences of your decision. Perhaps you are trying to run away from or ignore a decision you aboslutely need to make - maybe because you actually know which decision would be the right one, but you are terrified of the change or the consequences of the decision. As a result, you would rather "hide" behind apparent confusion or uncertainty. In situations like this, I often hear my clients (or myself 😉) say things like "I'm confused and don't know what's right", "Maybe the problem isn't what I thought it was, maybe I'm the problem", "Maybe I just need information x or y, maybe my counselor, therapist or partner can explain this one thing to me that I need to understand before I can decide...." etc. Here, it is very important to recognize that you are not in your center at this moment, not well connected with yourself. A state of confusion is ALWAYS a sign that you are not in good contact with yourself. When you are in touch with yourself and your soul, your deeper wisdom, you ARE NOT confused. You are clear and feel peaceful and centered. That's how you can tell the difference. Recognizing these situations ultimately means facing the truth, becoming aware of your own resistance and no longer deluding yourself. Unfortunately, these situations are often not resolved by waiting, gathering new information or ruminating and looking at old information in a new light. The only truly liberating answer here is to take action - to make a decision and then implement it consistently. You don't actually need any more information or confirmation of your expanded consciousness in these situations, even if it may seem like it. On the contrary, the search for further answers and confirmations becomes more of a trap that distracts you from what is actually relevant right now.
If you are pushed into making a decision...
One final word: there are of course situations in which you absolutely have to make a clear decision. This is usually obvious because the situation demands it. But here, too, we sometimes allow ourselves to be pressured into a decision because someone demands one from us, for example, and we don't want to disappoint the person. Okay, that's actually a fourth type of situation, in which it may be better not to make a decision (yet) - especially if situations 1, 2 or 3 apply at the same time. It is often perfectly possible to communicate clearly that you can't make a decision at the moment and still need time. As long as you are transparent about this, most people will be completely understanding. If they are not, the fundamental relationship with the person may need to be reconsidered or there may be a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.
If you still don't have clarity...
I hope that with this article I was able to provide you with some helpful nuggets so that you may gain clarity in your decision-making situation, or perhaps inspired you to work on your connection with yourself in order to make better and clearer decisions overall. However, if you are now unsure whether you would categorize your situation as 1, 2 or 3 (or 4) or still have no clarity, or if you are dealing with a larger or more complex decision that you have been carrying around with you for some time - and which perhaps also touches on a vital theme of your life, it can be helpful to work more specifically with your expanded consciousness to find a solution. Even if you are unsure whether you are perhaps just afraid of the consequences of your decision, it may be useful to work with your expanded consciousness to overcome inner resistance and see more clearly again, for example through some Trance or Constellation Work. Or you can simply book a free Discovery Call with me where we can find out together whether I can support you in your decision, or in connecting with your expanded consciousness.