If you are on a spiritual path, you most likely have heard somewhere that you need to let go – of your grudges, old pain, resentment, anger, your attachments to your job, a person or a certain outcome maybe, or your addiction to food, work, situations that aren’t good for you, or negative thinking. And there are so many more examples of things you “should” let go of, to heal, to feel better, to gain peace or even enlightenment.

I certainly had my fair share of people or situations I needed to let go of. And if you are like me than even hearing these words “Just let go” can send your pulse into a frenzy – because I honestly don’t like them! And depending on where I am at, they can make me really, really angry. Because my whole system has associated these innocent 3 words with pain.

Does “letting go” of something mean “getting rid” of it?

And I was thinking about this today – it really is everyday wisdom today that to gain peace you need to let go – of things, of perspectives, of ideas, of attachments. Sometimes of jobs, physical objects or people, yes. You don’t need to be very spiritually enlightened to get that concept: just get rid of the thing that causes you pain, and you gain peace. Simple. Or is it?

I think the concept of letting go is highly misunderstood. And this misunderstanding creates more pain and – ironically – tendencies of control – then necessary. Let me explain.

Because if you associate “letting go” with “getting rid of “ something, what you are really saying is “I separate myself from that thing”. And that is separation consciousness – the very thing, we try to transcend on a spiritual path! No wonder if that causes us even extra pain!

Our whole system tenses up because it prepares for the impact of separation. And our Soul even cringes at that because in truth we are beings of love, we are one connected through the essence of love, heck, we are love itself. How on earth should it be a loving thing to “get rid of something”?

A loving approach to “letting go”

Let me ask you one question: Does letting go of a person you love really mean ripping them out of your heart and never think of them again? Does letting go of an old pain or grudge mean that you are ripping them out of your consciousness, pretending it never happened or that it never caused you pain? Of course not! But I think that many people consciously or unconsciously believe that that is exactly what they are supposed to do. Or at least it feels to them that way. And I had this belief as well.

But I noticed that approaching the ominous art of letting go in this way never worked. Of course it didn’t! When your whole system tenses up in resistance, you switch to survival mode. And survival mode means you start fighting or controlling. You try to talk yourself into letting go. You try to NOT have the “attached” or “angry” or “resentful” thoughts, the grudges, or worse, even the love for that person you are trying to let go of because it “didn’t work out”. But you cannot fight yourself into letting go. You cannot think yourself into letting go. You cannot coerce your Soul, your Mind, your body into letting go.

What then can we do? We need the heart for this. If we want to let go, we need to become SOFTER, not HARDER. There is nothing hard or cutting about letting go. Why? Because we are transmuting pain into love. We are transmuting something that does not work for ourselves (anymore) into love. That is the only approach that will work in the long run when you are trying to let go of something or someone. That is why it won’t work when it comes from the mind only. You need the heart for this. An open one, for that matter. Because it usually entails forgiveness, acceptance, compassion (with yourself and others).

There is no faking in the alchemy of the heart

By the way, this does not mean you cannot or should not set any boundaries. It does not mean you cannot say or do what you need to say or do to stay healthy, sane, and safe – especially when it comes to toxic situations or relationships! Compassion and everything that really authentically comes from the heart is anchored in Truth. Compassion can be fierce and powerful and soft and loving at the same time. Most importantly, there is no faking it.

But when you transmute your pain into love through the alchemy of the heart, you stop the fight. You become powerful, but not through control.

Because when you are letting go, what you are really letting go of isn’t the person or circumstance, but your idea of it, your Ego’s grip on things, your attachment to an outcome perhaps. It cannot be any other way. You are an essence of love and you are one with all life. How can you possibly separate yourself from something or someone in truth? Love is the only truth, and separation is an illusion, albeit a powerful one.

What you are really letting go of

So if you are letting go of some pain, you are not negating the pain.

And if you are letting go of a person or situation or job that isn’t serving you anymore, what you are really letting go of is the resistance to the Truth of something you already know, the resistance to something that is already happening or has happened or would happen anyway.

You are letting go of a fear that is lying underneath your resistance: What will happen next? Will I find another job? Will I ever find happiness? What could possibly replace whatever I am letting go of here? What if there is nothing coming after that thing? What if I am left with nothing? What if I’ll regret my choice?

And instead, by letting go, you are embracing the fact that you don’t know and that you don’t need to know (everything in advance). This requires faith, not control. And again, we see that we need the heart for this.

Because all these things that we need to let go of something or someone – acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, faith, - are technologies of the heart, and therefore, the Soul. And that requires opening up to our heart, the Soul, not closing down from something. It means expansion, not contraction. It means loving oneness, not separation. Because in separation, you will never find peace.